why i killed my ex-husband

divorce blows. there is just no easy way to put it. i am not sure how most people survive it, let alone go on to trust another person with their heart and get married again. the idea of it baffles me at times. people ask how i have overcome the grief and anger that i had from the divorce..... i tell them it was a choice. i had to choose to kill my ex-husband.


moving past all the ugly stuff that happens at the end of a marriage is difficult. moving past the rolling film loop that was playing constantly in my head of every hurtful thing that was said and done was painful. the abandonment i felt......it was confusing. moving past it at times felt impossible. it felt impossible to gain closure because there was nothing he could say to ever make what happened over the last year of our marriage right. he had changed. the man i had made vows to and committed myself to had changed. he was gone and what remained was a man i, and those that knew him well, could barely recognize.


grief had made my then husband change. it's easy to understand why the change happened. he lost his mom suddenly. we all did. it was tragic and painful to everyone. we all grieved. we grieved; he grieved; he changed. he was angry and he punished those close to him with words that cut me to my core. and then he left. if i look at our relationship with any perspective i can see that he had left me months and months before.... but at the time i felt blind-sided.


once it was done...once it was *really* done and i allowed myself to let go, to accept that the person i married was never coming back, i had to figure out what to do. what's done was done so i had to do whatever i had to do to move past it for my children...and for me. i had to find a way to somehow get through it and to be able to piece myself back together again.


and so i mentally killed my husband. i killed the idea that the man i once married still existed. i killed the visions i had for our future together. i killed the dreams we had shared and the life we were building together. i killed that part of my life that was no longer viable. i grieved the person that no longer existed and released him. i accepted the new version of the man i had married as an entirely different person. the old version no longer existed so i had to stop comparing the new version to that one i once knew so well. he was gone. he no longer existed. he had died.


mentally killing him, the person i had loved.... and allowing myself to grieve that loss allowed me to move forward with this stranger that replaced him.


it continues to allow me to keep a smile on my face and keep anger out of my heart.


it allows me to look forward and never look back.


it allows me talk to the boys about their father with respect by envisioning the man i once respected and loved.


by grieving the loss of my husband, killing him off in my mind as a tragic death i can mourn that loss and start a new chapter.


the "wasband" will be woven through every chapter of my life in some way, while the boys are still young, but now i am able to move forward without looking back.


and the future looks good.


and i am better off because of it.


and the next chapter of my life awaits......

family flu shots with cvs minute clinic

this is a sponsored post written by me on behalf on cvs minute clinic. all opinions are my own.

flu season is around the corner. i dread it every year. i certainly don't like getting sick myself, but sick kiddos are the absolute worst. projectile vomiting, anyone? this week I gathered up the littles and we headed to our local cvs minute clinic for our annual flu shots. 

for those of you that have not been to a minute clinic yet, you are missing out. they are small clinics located in the back of many cvs stores. open 7 days a week, with great hours, they are my go-to place for almost everything for both the littles and myself. i don't know about you, but in my little world, kids always seem to get sick on the off hours. you know what I am talking about, right? my kids get sick on a weekend or evening when the pediatricians office is closed and my only option is to take the kids to an emergency room or urgent care, pay a ridiculously high co-pay and wait (for sometimes hours) to be seen, only to expose both them and me to countless other germs worse than the darn ear infection or strep we came to be treated for. minute clinic takes most insurance plans (including usaa, for those military families). they treat everything from ear infections, strep throat, pink eye, bronchitis all the way to uti's and administering vaccines. 

my first born has been a chronic sufferer of ear infections. we are now two sets of ear tubes in and things are much, much better....but there was a while there where we were dealing with back-to-back ear infections and of course the symptoms never started on a weekday morning. nope. the symptoms of a nasty ear infection reared their ugly head after office hours and most always on a weekend. a good friend suggested trying the minute clinic, i fell in love and that was the beginning of a long, beautiful love affair with cvs minute clinic. 

on this visit to our local minute clinic we went for our yearly flu vaccines. i find the most annoying thing about getting the flu vaccine is having to take the time to get the kids in to see their doctor and then to get myself to my own doctor. that is two trips and too much time to spend for this busy, single mama. with the minute clinic, it is a one stop shop. in one visit, they take our insurance and all three of us end up getting what we need at a time that works for us with no appointment to make. after heading to the back of the store, i entered all of our information in the touch screen and found out that there was only one patient ahead of us (easy peasy).  

after only 10 minutes, the nurse practitioner called us in. a few more details needed to be entered into the system then we were weighed, temps taken and we were all set. 

our nurse practitioner couldn't have been nicer and better with the kids. the vaccine was quick and painless....and she even had the cutest stickers ready to go as a reward for the boys being so brave. 

truly. if you haven't been to a minute clinic, i encourage you to look up the location nearest you and give it a try. they are rapidly expanding, so if there is not one in your area now, there may be soon. currently, with each flu vaccine, they are providing a special 20% off shopping voucher to cvs---that's what i call a no brainer. what are you waiting for? 

so, let me recap: happy kids + happy mama= a match made in minute clinic heaven. do yourself a favor and try out your local cvs minute clinic. i have a feeling that cvs minute clinic will be your new bff too. enjoy!

my sparkling truth: confessions, a single mama and the road trip

this is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of glaceau fruitwater®.

to say that life has thrown me a few curve balls in the past couple years would be an understatement. since our sites popularity has grown, i struggle with how much of my private life i am willing to talk about. it scares me a little lot to open myself up to criticism or simple opinions. when glaceau approached me to write about my "sparkling truth" (a moment when you sparkle through unexpected challenges, brushing yourself off in a bubbly style) , i knew i would have to be brave and let you all into more of the reality of my life. 

let's just say that i am not where i thought i would be in my life at 38. i never thought i would be a single mama. just saying the words makes me want to cringe. don't get me wrong, i always admired single moms....i just never was going to be one. i remember seeing a single mother and thinking "wow---i could never do that".....and then that is exactly where i found myself. alone with two little boys. i would have thought i would be more bitter than i am...even angry perhaps. that's not to say that i haven't had my moments, but my natural instinct was one that i didn't expect. i put a smile on my face and make life seem as "normal" as i can for my two boys (now 3 and 5). my "i could never do that" turned into a reality and the awesome news/silver lining/ sparkling truth is that i found out that i am a whole lot stronger than i thought i was.

a week ago was my wedding anniversary. not the first since our separation, but it was the first since the divorce became final. i didn't know how much it would affect me-- what a painful reminder it would be to me of the failure of our marriage. it hit me like a ton of bricks.

i decided to do something i *never* thought i could do and i packed up the boys and headed out on a road trip to visit my sister and her family. 8+ hours in a car. alone with the littles. the idea was daunting, but i didn't allow myself much time to think about it. we made it from san diego to sacramento and then i practically held my breath for a week hoping that we would survive the return trip. we did. the boys were truly amazing and i returned feeling like i could take on the world. i, for a moment, allowed myself to acknowledge this very big accomplishment and give myself a pat on the back. i did it. 

life may have thrown me a few curve balls, but i now know what my sparkling truth is: not only will i survive, i will thrive. i really *can* do this! it may not have been my "dream"---- this life i have now is not one that is tied up with a big red bow and a white picket fence....but i am so very thankful for it. i am blessed with two unbelievable boys and have also learned that i have some pretty amazing friends and family that i can depend on and trust in more than i ever knew. dare i say that in spite of all the heartache i am actually happy? maybe not as happy as i could be....but i am finding the blessings in each day and know that life is only going to get better from here. i have my days that are hard, but overall i am now a happier, healthier and stronger version of myself.

the awesome people at glaceau were kind enough to send me some of their fruitwater. glaceau fruitwater® is a great tasting, naturally flavored sparkling water beverage that contains no juice. i brought them with me on the trip and the sweet, sparkling water gave me all the energy i needed to make the voyage there and back. my favorite is the orange mango, with the lemon lime a close second. glaceau fruitwater® is available in the following flavors: black raspberry + other natural flavors, orange mango flavored + other natural flavors, strawberry kiwi flavored + other natural flavors, lemon-lime flavored + other natural flavors and watermelon punch flavored + other natural flavors.

glaceau fruitwater® is a great tasting, naturally flavored sparkling water beverage that contains no juice.

now that you’ve read about my “sparkling truth”, it’s time to share yours! a sparkling truth is a moment when you sparkle through unexpected challenges, brushing yourself off in a bubbly style. how do you sparkle on when life throws you a curve ball? leave a comment on this post or jump in the conversation on social media by tagging your amplification with the hashtag, #sparklingtruth.

visit http://fruitwater.com for more information and to help you discover your favorite sparkling truths.

this is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of glaceau fruitwater® but all opinions are all my own.