the third boob...or the day i became every man's fantasy

there are some stories that never get old. for those of you who may not have heard the story that began this crazy journey, this is for you.

the first pregnancy is the most exciting. that's not to say that other pregnancies aren't full of wonder but the first one is full of all things new. every change is a new experience and the unknown helps to add to the thrill of it all. i was like a lot of first time pregnant moms. i enjoyed that first pregnancy...until i noticed a kiwi sized lump growing in my armpit. the worst of scenarios raced through my mind. did i have cancer? was this a tumor? when the doctor ordered an ultrasound of the lump, i was thinking the worst. 

sitting in the office of the ultrasound technician, i stared at the monitor trying to figure out what she was seeing on that little screen. "what is it?" "all i can see is breast tissue. i'll send the results to your doctor." i felt a sense of relief. no tumor, just breast tissue...in my armpit. i had no idea why that would be and my ob-gyn was actually of very little help in that department. i was told it was just breast tissue. breasts swell during pregnancy and that it should go back to normal after giving birth. this was a great theory but, after looking around, no other pregnant women seemed to be walking around with a kiwi in one pit.

finally a lactation consultant friend of mine told me it could be an extra mammary gland. this was confirmed in the hospital after i gave birth to my first son. a second lactation consultant came in to check on the nursing situation and i blurted out, "i think i have a third boob." to this, in the tradition of lactation consultants getting all up in your boob business, she peeled back my hospital gown to examine the said appendage. here's where it gets good. this lady had all the good information. apparently, your milk lines run from your armpit all the way down your abdomen (think a cat or a dog with a litter of puppies). you can be born with extra mammary glands or extra nipples anywhere along your milk line and, unless you have a visible nipple, you may not know it's even there until your breasts swell during pregnancy. the consultant then proceeded to tell me that there was a woman in the hospital the day before with eight boobs. (i can hear the collective gasps through the computer.) i all of a sudden felt pretty happy just to have the one. she then continued by saying that it would go away after nursing and that, because there was no visible nipple, it would dry up and shrink back to its former undetectable size.

here is where she got it wrong. my milk finally came in for my first born and while i was nursing him, i asked my husband if he'd turn up the air conditioning because i felt like i was sweating profusely. i then looked down to see that no, i wasn't sweating. what i thought had been the tiniest of brown freckles was instead a nipple that was currently dripping milk down into a puddle on my shirt. yep...sign me up for the circus people. not only do i have a third boob but it lactates. lac. tates. 

i had to nurse with a towel in my armpit and while most nursing moms got to walk around with just absorbent breast pads in their nursing bras, i got to do that and wear a huge band-aid on my armpit. just so we're all aware here, my son was born in june...tank top weather. fabulous.

so, there you have it. i think the third boob can give everyone a brighter outlook on life and on their after-baby bodies. your stomach may look like a venetian blind from the stretch marks you earned or you may have skin that now somehow resembles an elephant's trunk. still, looking in the mirror at yourself you can always say, "at least it doesn't lactate." so, here's to you, third boob. thanks for making most of the world feel a little bit better about themselves...and for giving us a great story to tell. cheers!

the last month of pregnancy...

i have never met a woman in her last month of pregnancy who has said, "i love how this feels...i hope the baby stays in there a couple of extra weeks just for fun." nope, i'm pretty sure the last month of pregnancy is tough on everyone. don't get me wrong, i'm still happy to be expecting and thrilled for the upcoming little boy but every once in a while, it's refreshing to be real about why the last month of pregnancy totally bites. so, here it goes. if you are in the middle of your first pregnancy, don't say i didn't warn you.

1) cankles - do i really need to say more? you will swell. you will cease to recognize your own legs. you'll wear socks that, when you take them off, will leave a half inch indentation on your legs. it won't stop there. you'll be puffy everywhere. your face will look like you've spent each night crying. it's fabulous.

2) loss of bladder control - this may not happen with your first baby and it may not happen often... but i'm pretty comfortable in saying that at some point in your last month of pregnancy, you'll sneeze, cough, laugh too hard, jump up and down and you'll be stuck changing your pants. yep, it's awesome. doctors will advise on the importance of kegels but at some point, there are not enough kegels in all the world to keep you from peeing on yourself. welcome to parenthood...where your own personal embarrassment takes on a whole new meaning.

3) weight gain - at some point in the third trimester, as you are reading pregnancy books or bulletins, you will hear the great news that "from this week forward, you will gain about a pound a week and almost half of that weight will go to your baby." we're supposed to read that and be happy. i'm thrilled about the half a pound a week that is going to my infant...just not so pleased with the half a pound that is going to my thighs.

4) sleeplessness - how often have your heard people say, "get your rest now because you won't be sleeping when the baby comes." that's pretty laughable in the last month of pregnancy. the baby will pretty much be sitting on your bladder. you'll get up in the middle of the night numerous times to trickle out what would be a full bladder's worth if you were a two year old. then you'll go back to bed for a couple of hours and do it all over again. add to this the fact that you are only supposed so sleep on your side and that rolling over takes as much effort as a half marathon and you'll wake up pretty tired every day. add to that contractions, the baby kicking, your husband snoring and any other kids waking up and you'll find you pretty much walk around in a coma for the last month of pregnancy.

5) people's comments - things like, "what, you haven't had the baby yet?" or "you're huge! are you sure you're not carrying twins?" or "wow, i can't believe how quickly the pregnancy went." will pretty much make you crazy. first of all, all a pregnant woman wants to hear is how skinny she looks, how slim her thighs are and how all she's carrying is baby. besides that, she doesn't want to hear how quickly the pregnancy has gone for everyone else. i'm pretty sure i've been pregnant for the full 36-40 weeks like everyone other pregnant mother. just stick to telling me i'm skinny.

okay, there are my top five. what about you? what would you add to the end of pregnancy woe list? i can't wait to hear.

my own handful of joy

i am almost 20 weeks pregnant with baby number 5. we are calling him "cinco." in case you missed that last little pronoun, he is another little boy. we are extremely excited about adding the pinky to our high five. still, the pregnancy road is full of challenges, the biggest of which has been the litany of unwanted opinions shared with us on a regular basis. so, here's my chance to stand on my soap box and share.

i experienced some of the comments with baby number four. now with number five, the comments are even more extreme. i only shared news of my pregnancy with a select few people whom i actually believed would be happy for me. even some of them disappointed in their reactions to our news. so, before you open your mouth to speak to someone about their pregnancy, here are a couple of key things to remember.

number 1: people's personal lives are still theirs, and personal. comments like, "maybe it's time to buy a tv in the bedroom." "were you trying to get pregnant?" "do you know how this happens?" are not really appropriate to anyone at anytime. when someone asked me, "do you know how this happens?" i stood in the middle of my church sanctuary and my mouth hit the floor. "no, i don't know how this happens. can you explain it to me in detail? but hurry, the sermon is about to start." clearly people, after five kids, all planned, we've got the particulars down. forgive me if i don't feel the need to share those details with you. how comfortable would you be if the tables were turned and those same questions were asked to you at any given time. pregnancy is not an excuse to push the boundaries of invading personal space.

number 2: i'm not asking you to have five kids or to raise any of mine. i'm not asking you to contribute to their upbringing or to support them financially. i'm not asking you to be a part of their lives at all unless you are interested. comments such as "well, i can see you are doing your part to contribute to the world's overpopulation," "what are you thinking, having so many kids," or "isn't your life crazy enough?" aren't what anyone wants to hear when sharing baby news. you can think what you want and i would advise knowing what you yourself can handle but don't put your own personal limitations into my family's experience. i wouldn't be happy with no children but i'm not going to judge those who don't feel they want any kids of their own. why should it be any different when i decide to have a hand full?

number 3: if you wouldn't say a comment to the child's face when they are six years old, don't say it about them while they are in the womb. can you imagine looking at a kindergarten aged child and saying, "your parents were crazy to have you," "it was horrible news when we found out you were going to be born," "your parents only had you because they didn't want to move out of the baby stage," "you couldn't have been wanted. five kids is crazy" or "oh no! i can't believe you are a boy. that is awful."? you would be seen as barbaric if you said something like this to a child and yet people have no problem saying this about an unborn baby. (yes, each of the comments i've written so far are ones that have been said to me this pregnancy...crazy, isn't it?)

here's the thing, babies are a blessing. they are miraculous whether they are the first born or the eighth born. there may be unexpected pregnancies but where babies are concerned, i don't think there are any that are mistakes. even if a pregnancy is a surprise (ours wasn't), don't you think the parents are having enough of a hard time just wrapping their heads around the reality of another baby without having to deal with the negative and demeaning comments of others? perhaps we should learn to think before we speak.

so, here are some examples of what you can say when you find out someone, anyone is expecting. "congratulations." "we are so happy for you." "babies are always a blessing." "how wonderful for your family." regardless of what number a baby falls in the birth order, he or she deserves just as much joy and anticipation as the first born. they are no less wonderful or miraculous. the old saying stands incredibly true in this situation: "if you can't say something nice, just don't say anything at all." don't take any opportunity to steal someone else's joy. take the chance to bring someone joy instead. you won't regret that you did.

open mouth, insert foot

i have two amazing mommy friends with one horrible thing in common. they repeatedly get asked when their baby is due. this by itself isn't awful if you are, in fact, pregnant. i'm sure you're seeing where i'm headed with this one. these friends of mine, while they have beautiful babies, aren't having anymore.

i've heard people complain about how awful they feel because they have asked someone when they are due only to be told in a curt fashion that the woman isn't pregnant. i'm sorry. you're complaining because you feel bad? think about how you just made that other woman feel.

when my girlfriend first told me what was repeatedly happening to her, my only response was, "well, those people are idiots." i know, those are harsh words...words my kids would get in big trouble for saying. still, i'm standing by them.

i get the confusion. some people still hold onto post baby weight and sometimes that weight is carried in their belly. still, if we can all walk away from this post with a lesson in our pockets this is it: if we are going to ask someone when they are due, we'd better be 100% sure that person is pregnant.

here's how you can know for sure:

1. the person knows you well enough that they have told you they are pregnant. if you have a
friendship with someone and you know the facts, by all means, be a good friend and show your interest.

2. the woman is so hugely pregnant that there is no mistaking. when i'm talking huge, i'm talking third trimester, waddling around like a penguin, wearing flip-flops in december, puffy face, walking like there's a baseball between her legs kind of huge. if the woman isn't so big that she looks like her water could break on the floor of target while she's shopping, don't ask her when she's due.

this might sound extreme but, really, is this a mistake we want to make with other women? isn't being a mommy and giving up your "never had a baby body" hard enough without having to endure devastating comments? when in doubt, chicken out. it works for driving and for opening big mouths as well.

cousin it

there are some pretty great characters from the original "adam's family" tv show. one of my favorites was always "cousin it." i remember as a kid trying to figure him out..."where's his face?" "how can he see through all that hair?" the questions were endless.

how appropriate that now i am growing my very own "cousin it." that's right, folks, you thought the third boob was enough? nope, now you can add cousin it to the equation. i told you i was good circus material.

i have a dermoid cyst. i know there are tons of other moms out there who have had one and there is tremendous comfort in numbers but still, these little things are pretty disgusting, right friends?

when getting my first ultrasounds for baby #4, the ultrasound technician gave one of those quizzical looks (don't you just love those) and said, "huh...has anyone ever told you there's a cyst on one of your ovaries? no? well, you have one. i'll send the pictures to your doctor." i hate it when they do that. i got all excited to hear about what new thing was ailing me and then i got put on hold until the doctor was available.

once the doctor came in, he told me it was a dermoid cyst. these cysts aren't the kind that might burst and go away. nope, these ones are there for good until they are surgically removed. i was told not to google "dermoid cyst" and sent on my merry way. if i could have googled it in the car on my way home, i would have. once at home with my computer, i quickly learned why i had been forewarned. the images alone were enough to cause a pretty severe gag reflex...especially in the first trimester of pregnancy.

a dermoid cyst can develop on an ovary. somehow, it can crazily be full of hair, teeth, fat tissue, skin, all kinds of creepy goodness. they are little "cousin its." awesome, right? my sister had two...one the size of a grapefruit and one the size of an apple. how'd you like to add those to the family album? mine has stayed small so they just keep monitoring him. i have no idea how big "cousin it" has to grow before they'll take him. i must admit, i'm looking forward to saying goodbye.

i have to say, though, that "cousin it" is a good conversation starter. my friends would wittily ask during my last pregnancy, "how are the twins?" referring to "cousin it" and the baby. so funny, right? somehow during pregnancy, anything that makes you laugh is a pretty awesome thing. so, thanks, "cousin it" for making my pregnancy more memorable. now, if you could just grow another limb or a third boob...anything so you'd be big enough to take you out...that would be awesome too.

the third boob: the story that started it all...

the third boob. there has to be a story there. well, here it is in all its lengthy glory. there has been no other mommyhood story to top it. so, here is the story that started it all.

the first pregnancy is the most exciting. that's not to say that other pregnancies aren't full of wonder but the first one is full of all things new. every change is a new experience and the unknown helps to add to the thrill of it all. i was like a lot of first time pregnant moms. i enjoyed that first pregnancy...until i noticed a kiwi sized lump growing in my armpit. the worst of scenarios raced through my mind. did i have cancer? was this a tumor? when the doctor ordered an ultrasound of the lump, i was thinking the worst.

sitting in the office of the ultrasound technician, i stared at the monitor trying to figure out what she was seeing on that little screen. "what is it?" "all i can see is breast tissue. i'll send the results to your doctor." i felt a sense of relief. no tumor, just breast tissue...in my armpit. i had no idea why that would be and my ob-gyn was actually of very little help in that department. i was told it was just breast tissue. breasts swell during pregnancy and that it should go back to normal after giving birth. this was a great theory but, after looking around, no other pregnant women seemed to be walking around with a kiwi in one pit.

finally a lactation consultant friend of mine told me it could be an extra mammary gland. this was confirmed in the hospital after i gave birth to my first son. a second lactation consultant came in to check on the nursing situation and i blurted out, "i think i have a third boob." to this, in the tradition of lactation consultants getting all up in your boob business, she peeled back my hospital gown to examine the said appendage. here's where it gets good. this lady had all the good intel. apparently, your milk lines run from your armpit all the way down your abdomen (think a cat or a dog with a litter of puppies). you can be born with extra mammary glands or extra nipples anywhere along your milk line and, unless you have a visible nipple, you may not know it's even there until your breasts swell during pregnancy. the consultant then proceeded to tell me that there was a woman in the hospital the day before with eight boobs. (i can hear the collective gasps through the computer.) i all of a sudden felt pretty happy just to have the one. she then continued by saying that it would go away after nursing and that, because there was no visible nipple, it would dry up and shrink back to its former undetectable size.

here is where she got it wrong. my milk finally came in for my first born and while i was nursing him, i asked my husband if he'd turn up the air conditioning because i felt like i was sweating profusely. i then looked down to see that no, i wasn't sweating. what i thought had been the tiniest of brown freckles was instead a nipple that was currently dripping milk down into a puddle on my shirt. yep...sign me up for the circus people. not only do i have a third boob but it lactates. doesn't get much better than that.

i had to nurse with a towel in my armpit and while most nursing moms got to walk around with just absorbent breast pads in their nursing bras, i got to do that and wear a huge band-aid on my armpit. just so we're all aware here, my son was born in june...tank top weather. it was fabulous.

between baby one and two, i had the boob surgically removed. there's still breast tissue in there and with each pregnancy, it swells up to say hello. at least there isn't a nipple. i'm fine with the third boob thing...just not the wet clothing every time i need to nurse or hear a baby crying.

so, there you have it. i think the third boob can give everyone a brighter outlook on life and on their after-baby bodies. your stomach may look like a venetian blind from the stretch marks you earned or you may have skin that now somehow resembles an elephant's trunk. still, looking in the mirror at yourself you can always say, "at least it doesn't lactate." so, here's to you, third boob. thanks for making most of the world feel a little bit better about themselves...and for giving us a great story to tell. cheers!