the worst memories

there are some days i will never forget for all the worst reasons. i will never forget where i stood in my classroom as a teacher on 9/11. i will never forget sitting on a soccer field as the ground started rolling during the california earthquake of 1989. my grandparents could recall in detail the news of the bombing of pearl harbor. certain moments are stamped indelibly in our minds.

for me, one more moment is forever etched in my mind. i was pregnant for the first time and my husband and i had embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. we had moved to cartagena, colombia for my husband's job and were living temporarily in the amazingly beautiful santa clara hotel. at about 3:30 in the morning of april 6th, we were woken by a phone call. i was closest to the phone and, in my sleepy stupor, did not even register that a phone call at that hour could possibly mean something horrible. as i tried to clear the sleepy fog from my brain, my father-in-law started speaking. his words were short and to the point. phil, my husband's younger brother, had been working an extra detail that night at his job as a sheriff's deputy. he was shot. he is dead. he was 25. i sat there trying to comprehend the words and then took in the weight of it all. the most distressing fact for me at that moment was that i had to pass the phone to my husband knowing the news before him and wishing with everything in me i could shield him from what he was about to hear. i looked over at him beside me, now awake in the bed and before i passed the phone to him, whispered the words, "i am so sorry." the memory of that moment still takes my breath away. 

this weekend marked eleven years since that night. eleven years of missing someone. eleven christmases. eleven birthdays. countless moments of wondering what he would be like today. i still find myself longing to pick up the telephone and call him up to chat and laugh. he was more than my brother-in-law, he was my friend and i miss him. i can't, however, even claim to know a bit of the loss my husband has suffered. so, each anniversary comes along and again, all i can ever really think to say is, "i am so sorry." it seems silly and inadequate and yet, nothing i say could ever fill the hole left by his death. 

a few years ago, we decided to work on filling up some of the holes surrounding the anniversary day with good things. we fill up the day with joy and happy moments for our family. my husband typically takes the day off of work and we fill it with activities. this weekend meant we filled it with a trip to the donut shop with the kids. a trip to build bird feeders at home depot. dinner with friends and neighbors. a movie night out. the day was filled with hugs and kisses, sunshine, conversation. we fill the day with life and family in honor of someone who is still a part of ours. somehow, bringing fun to a horrible day turns it around. i can imagine phil in all of the moments of our day, laughing with his niece and nephews, talking with his brother, enjoying it all. we had so many april 6th's in a row that were filled with so much sadness. there is something redeeming in filling years of april 6th's with something more. 

and so, we will continue to do so. we will continue to remember him and miss him while loving on our kids. we will play and laugh and hug and kiss more than we normally do. we will fill the day with life and remember him in all the greatest ways. we will remember to keep living. i think phil would love that.

my 20th high school reunion: to go or not to go....that was the question.

it's been 20 years since i graduated high school. i have to catch my breath a little when i say that...because in some ways it feels like it was just yesterday. a few of the memories are so real and recent in my mind. how did we get so old?! don't you remember being a kid in high school and thinking how *old* 38 was? it seems so ancient. in other ways high school seems like a lifetime ago....a distant memory of a person i barely remember. 

i never went to our 10 year reunion. there may have been a legitimate excuse.....maybe a wedding to go to or something.....but the truth is i don't remember and i probably wouldn't have gone, even if i had nothing to do. 

i too have felt many of the reasons i hear from people about why they don't want to go to their reunion: 

1. if they were *really* my "friends" we would still be friends today.

2. why don't we just have a small get-together with the people we actually hung out with in high school...not all the "randoms".

3. why would i want to pay to hang out with people i don't even know anymore?

4. my life is not impressive enough yet. i have nothing to brag about.

5. i am fatter, balder, etc and just don't look the way i wanted to for a reunion.

the list really does go on and on.....

thinking about my upcoming 20 year high school reunion didn't exactly leave me giddy. i adore a lot of people and memories that were made during such a short four years of my life, but i thought (just like so many others) that i have facebook. seriously? a reunion? what is the point of paying to see people that i am already "friends" with and know what is going on with their lives, where they get their coffee, how well their child is doing with potty training, their favorite quotes and how much they love their spouse?! 

most of the people i had stayed close friends with over the years were not going to the reunion. i had re-connected with some very incredible women from high school that were going, but I wasn't exactly in my comfort zone. these women (although fabulous) were not my very closest friends and the real thorn in my side was.....my life isn't exactly where i thought it would be at this point. i certainly don't  have anything to brag about. in fact, the truth is that now (with the end of my marriage), the boys and i are currently "in transition", living with my parents in the very same home i grew up in. i feel so very blessed that i have such wonderful, supportive parents that are helping us through a difficult time, but there are moments that i feel embarrassed and ashamed about my marriage ending and needing to move in with my parents....like somehow i have failed. 

i decided to go against every instinct i had to "have other plans" the night of the reunion and just suck it up and go. i was worried. was there going to be someone that confronted me about something i may have done in high school to hurt them? what if i didn't recognize someone and they were offended? would "mean girls" be mean? in high school i was a very unhappy, insecure person on the inside. i doubted myself at every turn, i didn't think i was good enough for people and i was extremely critical of myself. as the days approached to the reunion, i felt that insecure, self-doubting girl resurface. i didn't like it.

the long and the short of it is this: i did it. i went to my 20th high school reunion and i am really so very happy that i did. even though i didn't get the time i wanted to to connect with everyone there (both people i knew in high school and ones i didn't have the pleasure of getting to know back then), the in-person connection you have the opportunity to experience at a reunion is nothing at all like the perception we think we have of people from facebook. sure, we all are older......some of us are fatter, some of us have less hair, grey hairs, are single, divorced, have kids or kidless. we all have taken different directions in the past 20 years. overall, i would like to think that we are all better versions of ourselves. sure, i didn't go and invent the post-it or do anything famous....but i walked away feeling like i am pretty confident in the person i have become, even if i am still coming to terms with my current situation. my favorite conversations of the night were with those that allowed themselves to be vulnerable and authentic. i truly believe that we all are better versions of our former 18 year old selves..... isn't it funny how going to a reunion makes one sometimes feel like they need to change who they currently are to feel more confident when the most refreshing and empowering thing is to embrace yourself as who you are now and simply be authentic? dare i say i am actually looking forward to the next reunion?! yes. yes, i am.

san diego: the circus is in town! ringling bros. and barnum & bailey® presents *built to amaze!*

i grew up in san diego and vividly remember when i was 6 or 7 and my parents took me and my sister to our first circus at the sports arena. i was dazzled by all of the lights, sounds and amazing acts. i have never forgotten the feeling of excitement and anticipation i had, sitting on the edge of my seat, watching the elephants, tigers and death deifying acts by trapeze artists and the like.

last night, that moment came full circle when i had the privilege to go to the circus once again with my sister, as we introduced our own sons to the wonder and excitement that is ringling bros. and barnum & bailey® circus at the very same arena that we experienced it over 30 years ago. 

mama and s-man

my sister and nephew

happy cousins!

the the all-new circus spectacular "built to amaze!" is currently at the valley view casino center (former san diego sports arena) from august 8-11.

with more than 110 of the world’s best artists & athletes representing 17 countries along with 95 exotic and domestic animals assembled together, there truly is something for everyone to enjoy. 

my first born's favorite was watching the youngest female Human Cannonball shoot across the entire arena to land safely on the other side. other highlights of our night included alex & irina and their talented poodles, the remarkable hand-balancing duos, the always hilarious Clown Alley…and of course, no ringling bros. circus experience would be complete without their four-legged star performers, including the majestic bengal tigers (17 of them!!) and a fun-filled asian elephant dance party.

be sure to arrive early to the circus for several exciting interactive elements before the show starts! opening 90 minutes prior to each performance, *all* ticket holders are invited to tour the animal open house to get up-close with their amazing animals (an awesome experience). then one hour before show time, families can step onto the actual arena floor to meet their circus performers and animals at the interactive all access pre-show, *free* admission to all ticket holders. 

photo courtesy of first born

there are rare moments when we have the opportunity to make memories that last a lifetime. my childhood experience at the circus with my family has stayed with me for over 30 years and i hope my son's first time at the circus last night will also be one of those moments. take the time this weekend and go make memories with your family at the circus too----it truly is a magical moment.

so happy watching the circus

when: 

this weekend! friday, august 9 (today) – sunday, august 11

showtimes:

friday, august 9 -- 11:00 am & 7:00 pm
saturday, august 10 11:00 am, 3:00 pm & 7:00 pm
sunday, august 11 1:30 pm & 5:30 pm

where: 

valley view casino center (formerly san diego sports arena)
3500 sports arena boulevard, san diego, ca 92110

*free parking* in all official arena parking lots; visit arena website for more info

tickets:

ticket prices are $20, $25, $40 (vip), $55 (front row) and $90 (circus celebrity)*

all seats are reserved; tickets available for purchase online through ticketmaster.com, charge by phone at 800-745-3000 or visit the valley view casino center box office.

*tickets may be subject to service charges, facility and handling fees.

70 years of memories

last month my dad turned 70 years old. he is already one of those people that is a challenge to find a gift for so i was *freaking out* trying to come up with a fantastic, memorable, creative and FUN idea. while browsing other blogs, i found a *brilliant* idea from nothing but bonfires that she had come up with to celebrate her dads 6oth. i quickly borrowed this fabulous idea, made a few changes of my own, enlisted the help of my little sister and we ran with it.


the hardest part was tracking down all of the emails we could (it may or may not have involved hacking into my dad's computer address book). once we had emails the next step was coming up what to say and then getting it out to as many people as possible. here is what we ended up with:


Hello everyone!


If you're receiving this email, you probably know that our dad, xxxxxxxx, is turning 70 next month. To celebrate his birthday on June 20th, we'd like to put together a little surprise to let him know that his nearest and dearest are thinking of him. We're going to try and create "70 Years of Memories" by filling 70 envelopes with a memory his friends and family have of him.
And this is where you come in! 


If you have a spare moment in the next few days, we would be so grateful if you'd jot down a favorite memory you have of our dad and email it or put it in the mail. It doesn't have to be anything fancy -- you can just write it down on a piece of paper and sign your name or send a quick email (we will take care of the formatting and print it out). You can mention anything you like -- although the more nostalgic the better! Please absolutely feel free to send more than one memory (in fact, we welcome it -- we've got 70 envelopes to fill)!


Please email your memories to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
If you would like to mail memories please send them to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Thank you so, so, so much for participating -- we know everyone is busy with their own lives, and we do appreciate you taking a few minutes to do this; it will be so worth it when he reads all the memories people have of him! (Please don't forget to keep it a SURPRISE until then, though!) 


Thank you so much again. 


P.S. PLEASE help us by forwarding this e-mail to anyone that you think might have a memory to share of our dad. We have tried to gather as many emails as we could, but know that we have missed some. We would appreciate your help in spreading the word. :-) 


we sent it out and then we waited. a few started coming in right away....but we started *panicking* (70 envelopes was truly a LOT to fill). the emails kept tricking in, some amazing people forwarded the e-mail onto others and we also sent out a couple follow-up reminders that really helped. i must note that it wouldn't have been the same without the help of one AMAZING cousin of my dad's that personally took on the challenge to call each of his elderly aunt and uncles to transcribe their memories of him and get them to us-- (thank you, holly!!)


we gathered all of the memories, stuffed 70 numbered envelopes with them and then tied them together in a neat, tidy stack and made a cute little label.

we took my dad out to a fancy steakhouse to give him the stack of envelopes. he was floored. we laughed, we cried and after a few hours (yes. hours. it may have been the worlds longest birthday dinner). side note: thank you to the amazing people at the steakhouse at azul la jolla for being so generous with letting us occupy a beautiful ocean view table and never making us feel like we were taking too long. if you have never been to azul, you must. not only is the atmosphere beautiful, but the food is among the best that san diego has to offer.

there were lots of laughs and even some tears. the memories that people shared were thoughtful, loving, kind and some were downright hysterical. they came from aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, friends and friends that are like family. each envelope that was opened took us on a journey and led to more stories to be told and memories to unearth from the depths of our minds.  my dad loved reliving all of the memories and said that (in a good way) it was like being able to attend his own memorial service and hear what people would say. 

look at that *giant* stack of letters!

a little boo-hoo-hoo-ing

he may kill me for posting this crying one. :-)

we took turns reading at some point. are my mom and dad not the cutest?!

a special thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone that participated to make this such a special birthday for my dad....he will never forget it and neither will our family. what a very special celebration! 


so, if you are looking for a unique, one-of-a-kind gift i would suggest trying this. not only does it make a fabulous birthday gift, but i think it would be a great anniversary gift too. let us know if you end up trying it yourself! enjoy!

xoxo

the dreaded phone call

last night i received a phone call that i have been hoping would never come. my good friend, leslie is unresponsive in an icu in california after years and years of battling cancer. what started as a small melanoma spread to her lymph nodes, the tissue around her breast, tumors to her brain. she has done amazingly well fighting this horrible disease and we have seen so many times when she was improving. she has been covered in love and prayers and now we have to trust that God has her life in his hands.

as i was sitting last night thinking about her life, so many things came to mind. you may be thinking, "is she going to go into a diatribe about wearing sunscreen?", "is this going to be a cancer prevention blog?" while those things are important, those things didn't stand out to me as i was thinking about leslie. different things came to mind.

that girl knew how to have a good time. i have hundreds of memories with her...laughing, crying, but generally just having an amazing time together. we took an adult beginner's tap dancing class together. seriously, i've never laughed so hard in all my life! there is nothing like watching grown-ups try to learn new tricks and all of a sudden try to gain coordination that wasn't there before. i now know why my parents never signed me up for dance classes as a child. grace is not my thing.

there were countless coffees, dinners out, shopping trips, girl trips to hawaii or to see a broadway show. she is a great friend and i am so glad that i poured myself and my time into someone as wonderful as she. so, here's my sobering word to the wise this morning: take time for girlfriends. i get it. i have four kids i'm chasing around all the time. i know how hard it is to brush your teeth some days, let alone spend time with friends. i know that a dinner out means cutting back on what you feed your family when you're eating in. still, it is so very important.

good girlfriends are magical. they can tell you that certain pants make your butt look big in ways that your husband never should. they can make you laugh when you think you're losing your mind because they have been there before. they can take your mind off of all the normal details of your day by giving a listening ear or sharing a story that puts your day to shame. they can share your life in ways that your husband alone never could.

how about you? do you have a girlfriend you need to call today? do you have a life you need to invest in? i know, it won't be easy; something in your home will fall through the cracks. still, you won't regret taking time for yourself to be with your girlfriends. with leslie, i don't regret a minute or a dime i spent with her. while my heart aches to think of this world without her, i am blessed to have a mind full of the memories of her...and of our friendship together.