a husband's guide to surviving the week before christmas

i don't care how organized you are. you could have your presents wrapped, everything purchased, the decorations up, the meals planned. you could be the master of the holiday season. still, there is something about the christmas season that makes mothers want to curl up in a fetal position at the end of each day, wrap their arms around their head and rock back and forth while muttering words like "santa clause," "elf," "cookies," and "presents" in a crazed repetition. this holiday season is like normal life on crack. it is full of everything that parents normally have to deal with combined with extra sugar, two weeks of vacation from school, and the pressure to create magical memories for our children. the process is exhausting and sometimes marriages get caught in the middle.

here is my survival guide for every husband out there. you men can not only survive the holiday season, you can come out of the month of december looking more rosy than santa clause himself. here is how.

1. don't work too hard. this tip applies only to work at your actual job. if there was ever a month just to sit back and try to coast through, december is that month. don't plan extra meetings or late nights. if possible, drum up a reputation for being a december slacker at the office. go in late, leave early. if they will keep paying you, that's pretty much good enough. if you can be home and helping with the christmas festivities, do it. take vacation days. save your energy and time for when you are at home.

2. practice the statement, "i am one lucky man." i don't care how many times you walk into your wife wearing some form of christmas pajamas and slippers. i don't care how many times she is too exhausted to cook dinner, or bathe...just say, "you are always so pretty. i am one lucky man." that's it. don't elaborate. don't suggest she shower or get dressed. just embrace it.

3. when you get home and your house looks like a small natural disaster has whipped through your kitchen, learn the phrase, "who wants pizza for dinner." use this phrase as many times as is necessary during the month of december.

4. be prepared to spend money eating out...a lot of money. making christmas magic is exhausting. adding the job of cooking dinner to that huge task is sometimes more than is humanly possible. plan on eating out. i may even suggest (which i am not a fan of...at all) charging it if necessary. if the budget for eating out runs out on december 20th, it might be time to charge a couple of meals to pay off in january. i'm sure dave ramsey is shaking his fists at the sky and screaming a loud, "nooooooo..." but it may just save your christmas. trust me, come january, your wife will be back to her normal self. she may even want to cook meals again after the numerous nights of pizza and take out. be the hero. plan on several meals out.

5. take over "the elf on the shelf." some women love the crazy elf. i think they might be certifiable.  i'm pretty much convinced the elf has been used in guantanimo as a torture device. just when prisoners think they are comfortable, *bam*...they have to come up with another clever elf idea. i'm thinking i'll be suffering from some sort of elf post traumatic stress disorder come january. just when i think i may be in for a restful night's sleep, my PTSD will kick in and i'll wake at 4:00 AM in a cold sweat, trying to remember if i moved the elf last night. this will continue until valentine's day when the symptoms will slowly taper off. this is one task that you can take off your wife's hands. search the internet. find some crazy places to put your elf. set your freaking alarm if necessary. be the man. if nothing else, if you put the elf in a lame place and your wife's friends come by, she can say, "oh, my husband does the elf." no more explanation needed. you can be her knight in shining armor.

6. pay for a house cleaner. this rule especially applies if your family in any way shape or form is coming for the holidays. i find it stressful enough just to get out of bed when my in-laws are visiting. i expect a long, exhausting visit. what i don't want to do is spend the week before the visit cleaning my house in preparation for the visit. that just makes for two bad weeks instead of one. do yourself a favor. pay for someone to come clean your house. make it a special christmas surprise for your wife. seriously, watch how happy she is. expect serious gratitude. if you absolutely cannot afford a cleaning service, spend an hour a day doing nothing but deep cleaning your house. an hour a day...every day for the month of december.

7. book your wife a massage for the week after christmas. i'm pretty sure this should be a christmas tradition for every mother. every massage therapist should be booked for december 26-30th. seriously. book it. put a certificate in her stocking. if you want some semblance of your wife back post holiday chaos, a massage is the fastest way to her recovery.

8. take the children away. i don't care if it's for an hour or for a whole day. for some time during the month of december, make the children disappear. while you are away at work, your wife is trying to control the beast that is kids in december. they are like crack addicts. they are pumped with sugar, adrenaline and unrealistic expectations. they are virtually impossible to control and, once school is out, your wife has them all day long. add to that the fact that she is somehow supposed to enjoy doing christmas baking and holiday crafts with them to build traditions and create lasting memories. frankly, i'm surprised i don't see more mothers just wandering aimlessly around their neighborhoods having finally cracked from the pressure of it all. take the children away for a while. heck, buy your wife a new pair of christmas pajamas and some bubble bath. she may not be dressed but maybe she'll have regained a small portion of her former sanity. take the kids to a place where they can run around in circles for hours. avoid giving them sugar. bring them home exhausted. you'll score more points than you can imagine.

9. purchase gifts carefully. gift giving is more important than men realize at christmas time. gift buying, wrapping, and preparing has pretty much consumed your spouse for days and days. she has worked to make meals and cookies and decorations to celebrate the holiday. she may get incredible joy from successfully pulling off the big day. she may gleam at the happiness she sees in her children's eyes. still, she really wants a medal. she basically prepared for and ran a marathon. it took weeks. she's exhausted. a horrible present is like a t-shirt that says, "i just worked my a** off for two months and all i got was this freaking t-shirt." she needs a medal. go ahead and ask your wife for ideas. every time she says, "i'd really like that," she isn't just diving into mindless chatter. she is giving you a gift idea. take notes. type it into your phone. do not forget it. do not purchase your wife a vacuum or dish towels for christmas. get her something she dreams about but hasn't been able to get. you may think a new hand vacuum for the stairs will make her really happy. it won't. it just won't. get her a medal.

10. all points expire at midnight. this is perhaps the greatest nugget i will give this holiday season. it will be helpful not only at christmas but the entire year through. there is indeed a point system for your work as a husband. gifts = points. working around the house = points. being an active parent = points. everything you do accumulates points. what you need to understand is this. all points expire at midnight. i don't care how wonderful you were yesterday. today is a new day. you will need to earn your points on a daily basis. that's just the way it is.

you can do this men. you may dream of being super heroes. here is your chance. i have faith in you, and faith that at the end of this season, we'll all remain standing.

merry christmas.

a very married chistmas

nellie & my mr.

once upon a time, i was married without children. when i reminisce, i find those distant days in my past appear like a foggy mirage. during the holidays, my husband and i cuddled more, spent time together, searched for the perfect gifts to make each other happy. those days feel like a lifetime ago.

the christmas season is swirling around us. i am the first one to admit that christmas without children sounds like a christmas tree without lights. it may look fine, but something would always be missing. christmas with kids, however, has become so pumped up on steroids that it's hard to stay focused. moms these days have to create magic...not just on christmas day, but the whole month through. advent calendars, service projects, elves on shelves, and other christmas activities fill up the entire month of december and once the 26th rolls around, i usually can't wait to pack the whole business up for another 11 months.

when you add a husband to that mix, things can get ugly. there is so much pressure to purchase the right gifts, make everything beautiful, keep children engaged, be service minded, and entertain family that marriages can face some tough holiday waters. somehow the participation and collaboration of a spouse that used to be totally acceptable is just not good enough anymore. the pressure that mothers feel to get everything right becomes the squeeze that gets transferred to their husbands when they don't seem to understand or contribute like they should. i hear more of my friends who are angry with their husbands in december than in any other month of the year. i certainly do not believe that is coincidental.

this year we're doing something drastic. my husband and i are going on a cruise the week before christmas. that's right folks, these milky white, post-thanksgiving thighs are going to be seen poolside for an entire week. the cruisers won't know what hit them. i'm sure some people will think the timing is selfish...how could we not want to spend those days before christmas with our kids? believe me, i've heaped my own pile of mommy guilt on my own head thinking about it. that guilt has only lasted for only a minute before wisdom has kicked in and i realized that christmas is not just about our kids.

christmas should be about family...as a whole...husbands not excluded. i'm sure the kids would rather have happy parents than every other christmas trimming. so often i am so busy with the five kids that my husband and my marriage take a back seat. those days of taking time together and treating each other with even more love and affection during christmastime are long, long gone. don't you think it's time to bring them back?

i get it, a cruise is not in the plans for most couples this christmas...but something else still can be. take some time just to be together. put down the smart phones and the christmas lists and do something fun. here are some ideas:

• rent a movie and watch it by the fire together. make hot chocolate and popcorn. cuddle. (crazy, right?) 
• go out to dinner. can't afford much? go out to coffee. if you can't afford a babysitter, swap childcare with a friend. offer them a night out and watch their kids and then have them do the same. 
• play a board game together. 
• feed the kids sandwiches one night and order take out for the two of you. wait to eat it until they go to bed and sit and just talk for a while.

it doesn't have to be extravagant...just take time in this crazy time to spend time together. 

okay, so here's my last little tidbit before i sign off. to all you husbands out there who may be reading "the third boob..." 

• first of all, you rock. any man that goes to a site with the word "boob" in the title just for reading purposes is a good, good man.
• secondly, if your wife is crazy during december, there is a good reason. do something to make her happy this month. does she like coffee? go get her one. are flowers her thing? pick her up a bunch. 
• third, if possible, do something extra each day. your wife is working double time this month to make the magic happen. if you don't normally clean the bathrooms, pick up a toilet scrubber. is the dishwasher full? empty that sucker. christmas cards need addressing? offer to address a few. doing something so your spouse doesn't have to means that she is free to spend time with you. when things get done around the house, wives are usually happier people. that saying..."a happy wife means a happy life" is so, so true. my husband steam cleaned the carpets on the stairs the other night. i have never loved him more. 

i really, truly cannot wait to hear your responses to this one. got any other ideas of how to spend time with your spouse? i'm dying to hear them. extra tips for husbands during december? pass them on. christmas is my favorite time of the year, truly. at the end of the month, once all the celebration has ended, i want to come out of the experience merrily married. how about you?

when the hubby is away, the wife will...well, you get the picture

i found out on wednesday night at 10:30 that my husband was leaving the next morning for three days. yep, he'd mentioned that he "might" be heading out of town but nothing was official until that night. yep...super happy about the advanced notice...but we'll save that for another post.

as i tried to wrap my head around the fact that i'd be alone with five children for three days (at least it's a short trip, right?), i decided to try to find a list of the best things about being on my own for a short time. might as well try to find the positive in it all and relish the out-of-the-ordinary good, right.

maybe it's my late night feedings that have inspired my "letterman" top ten lists lately but, here you go:

the top ten things about the hubby being away


1. the remote is all mine. really? is there anything better? i can watch whatever i want. want to end the night with something on the food network? no one will be the wiser. not really interested in another crime drama to end my evening? no one will complain. wanting to see how "the real housewives" are fairing? no complaints.

2. really, who is going to say something if i wear sweats all day? if i don't have anywhere to be and no one is going to see me, do i really need to get out of sweats? i don't think so.

3. i only need to shave what is visible. i'm pretty sure you get the picture. any less shaving is a plus in my book.

4. i can leave my craft projects on the counter for three days and no one cares. why clean up a project in the works? it will be sitting there waiting for me in the morning.

5. the whole bed is mine. i can't remember the last time i've had the luxury of stretching out across a bed. no one snored last night. no one took my covers. it is pretty great on occasion.

6. if i feed the kids hot dogs, cereal and sandwiches for three days, no one is the wiser. my kids might start to complain but they will survive...and no one else is around to care. i'll take that.

7. it's pretty much a given that i'll be hitting starbucks...and not limiting my visits to once a day. normally my husband thinks my starbucks addiction is a bit much. when he's away, he will load up my starbucks card to help me get through the days without him. ahhh...it's the little things.

8. eating out once or twice is considered mandatory. my husband pretty much counts on part of his per diem going to feed the whole family. one less meal to cook, clean up after, get the kids to eat = fantastic.

9. i can be crazy productive. when there is even just one less person to talk with, spend time with, revolve around, it's amazing what i can get done. i've cleaned out closets, done more spring planting, crafted up some gifts for teacher appreciation week, all while keeping five kids happy, fed and clothed. i think that's pretty amazing.

10. when he comes home, i'll be guaranteed some time to myself. magically, when the husband does return home, he will feel it's his job to give me a break. really, i haven't done any more work than i normally do. still, he'll feel bad and i'll get to sleep in, go some where by myself, get another starbucks. i think i'd like to sign up for this more often.

how about you? what's the best part your partner being away? i know, it's great to have them back, can't live without them, so happy they are there, blah, blah, blah. i'm happy too. still, there's something to be said about alone time, don't you think?

what have you done?

yesterday was a long day. it included a three hour meeting, kids who refused to nap, exhausting details. at about 4:30 in the afternoon, i had reached my limit. i went in search of some therapy to aid me through the rest of my day. my secret chocolate stash is hidden in the pantry. it is somewhere between a boxed brownie mix and some unopened cake frosting. i usually can get by with one small square of chocolaty goodness, leaving the rest for another desperate day.

everything fell apart yesterday, however, when i went to find my stash, it was gone...all gone. the only person who knew of my stash was my husband. i'm sure you can imagine how well that phone call went. he swore that he only ate a couple...a couple of the whole bars of chocolate. he was certain that there was more in the pantry. only, there wasn't any more chocolate. "why would you do that? what do you need chocolate for?" the questions continued. it all boiled down to, "what have you done?"

i ended up digging through the pantry like a crack addict until i found an unopened bag of chocolate chips. it wasn't as good as my normal chocolate but it did suffice in a pinch. still, my husband showed up at home that evening with a new stash of chocolate. he's a smart man. it's now back in the hiding place. maybe i should find a new spot to hide my treasure. it looks like the children aren't the only ones i need to keep it from.

the power of your words

some things have happened in the last couple of days that have reminded me of how powerful our words are. there is a proverb in the bible that says that the tongue has the power of life and death. i don't care what your beliefs are or what your religious background is, you can't deny that these words are true. the words that come out of our mouths have power. they can build someone up or destroy them. the old verse about sticks and stones breaking our bones but words never hurting us, well, that's just plain wrong.

how many things do you remember from your past? how often were those centered around what someone said? can you remember specific things that were spoken to you or over you? are you still trying to prove someone's words wrong through your actions each day? did someone's words crush hopes of yours or inspire new dreams? it is all possible and we don't give the words we say enough credit.

what have we spoken over people today? what have we said to our kids? what are we saying to our spouses? are we speaking life or death into the lives of those we love and care about? i know that the day is young but i've already made some mistakes and missed some opportunities. what about you? what a difference we could make if we all took this more seriously.

never-had-a-baby-body

i've decided we need a new word in the english language, or every language for that matter..."never-had-a-baby-body." it's one word, a noun, a pronoun and an adjective and has to be written and said as one word. as soon as you say it, you have a vision in your mind. am i right? you know what i am talking about, bodies that resemble a thirteen year old boy more than a mommy. anyone?

i thought of the word when one of my husband's co-workers showed up at my house to drive with my man out to a town about four hours away to do some interviews. this female co-worker showed up at my house, freshly showered in a trim little outfit and her never-had-a-baby-body (noun), ready to spend the day with my hubby. what made it worse was that my youngest was just a couple of months old, i was still nursing, holding onto pregnancy weight, hadn't showered and was sporting a maternity top because it was the only thing clean. anyone getting the picture? never-had-a-baby-body (pronoun) and my man left for the day and i decided it might be time to wash my hair for his big return that evening.

then, a few weeks ago, i came across a picture of myself on my honeymoon. i couldn't help but wonder, "who's the hot chick in a bikini with my husband?" then i discovered it was just my never-had-a-baby-body (noun) and while it was smokin' back then, it didn't take any work to look like that so i don't have much respect for my former hot self.

now, when i see a mommy with an amazing body, i have the utmost admiration for her ability to force her body into submission to resemble a piece of it's former self. without an in-home chef, a mean personal trainer and a few extra doses of will power, i'll never resemble my never-had-a-baby-body (adjective) self. i'm okay with that. when it comes down to it, i have four kids that i wouldn't trade for my never-had-a-baby-body (adjective) self and an amazing husband that likes the me the way i am. i'll take that over a never-had-a-baby-body (noun) any day.