first world problems

this week hasn't been a good one for electronics here at the nellie household. the quote from the heating and air conditioning units alone was enough to make me rethink how important it is to warm my house. then our twelve year old bose idock died and lastly, our poor nordic track treadmill. i kept wanting to scream to them all, "stay away from the light. just stay away from the light!" my attempts to woo my machines away from their imminent departures did nothing to keep them with us. now i am forced to face the world without them and without a budget to replace them. i am not going to lie. i was pretty sad there for a while.

then i was reminded of a conversation i had with a friend this week. he was sharing his accomplishments of the day and shared that he had thoroughly cleaned his refrigerator. he shared the sentiments that i have felt at times, "there was just too much food in there...some of it had to go." we then discussed the hilarity of finding expired salad dressings and moldy cheese tucked into some far reaching corner of our refrigerator. i've been there too. i'm pretty sure most of us have.

another person involved in the conversation stated the often ignored obvious, "this is definitely a first world conversation." those words knocked my attitude over the head with a two-by-four. unlike many people in the united states, i have seen third world problems face to face. i lived in cartagena, colombia for three and a half years. we moved there when i was pregnant with my first born and i had my sweet girl while we were there. while we were definitely living with the upper class, the desperately poor permeate that city and we were able to visit them in their homes and see their incredible need.

you see, of the one million people who live in cartagena, half of them are displaced. they have been forced from their homes at gunpoint from the narco-traffickers who take over the people's homelands for their own drug trafficking benefits. people traveled in masses, usually with only the things they can carry on their backs, to cities around colombia. cartagena is the home to approximately 500,000 of these people. they are generally poorly educated, poorly skilled, indescribably poor and with very little chance to improve their circumstances. the levels of poverty i have seen are beyond what most of us can imagine.

the people in the background are lining up for used clothing.

the line forming to receive used clothes mailed to us from the united states.

being "sized" for the two pieces of clothing she'll receive.

the kids lining up to pick two used toys from the u.s.

smiling outside of a school that was funded by european donations. it was a safe enough location to do our large clothing distributions.

when i lived in colombia, i used to become so upset with privileged people in general. i never understood how they could be so calloused, how they could be so blind to the needs of others. now i am back in the united states. even in the midst of a struggling economy and the death of major appliances, we still safely cocooned in our land of privilege...and i am becoming a part of the complaining masses.

i'm working on changing my perspective. instead of complaining about another clogged toilet, i'm going to be thankful we have one. instead of complaining about the food i have to vacuum off of the floor after each meal, i'm going to remember to be grateful there is food to feed each of my children, multiple times a day, with enough extra not to be missed when it hits the floor. instead of complaining about an appliance that no longer functions, i'm going to remember what a luxury it was to have appliances at all, and how many would be in awe of every facet of my life.

it's november, a month we are reminded to be thankful. perhaps it is time to reevaluate all that we have. we are often thankful for so many lofty things. perhaps we need to remember to be thankful for the basics. today i am going to be thankful for food. my kids aren't hungry. their tummies are full. they are not malnourished. their bodies are not showing the signs of starvation. they have water to drink. their bodies are not diseased from unsanitary living. my love for my children is not agonized by a reality that means i cannot care for them. i am blessed, beyond measure, and this month and every month, i'm going to remember to be thankful.

independence day

 

the fourth of july is one of my favorite holidays. maybe it's because i lived in a foreign country for several years. maybe i'm just especially patriotic. regardless, i love today.

i was going to post a fourth of july craft, a fourth of july dessert, any number of fourth of july fun ideas. those, however, will have to wait until next year. instead, i'm declaring today a personal independence day. this will be my mommy manifesto, if you will. maybe it will catch on.

today i'm declaring my freedom from the following:

1) the bondage of perfection. don't get me wrong. i love pinterest. i love every beautiful, crafty idea that it holds. it is amazing. however, somewhere along my pinterest pursuit, i've looked at all those things and somehow felt less than adequate if i couldn't somehow fit all that loveliness into my daily life while keeping up my house, raising good kids, and just maintaining my own sanity. somewhere along the line, we've moved the line of what is considered successful and have set the bar for ourselves immeasurably high. i am hereby lowering the bar. sometimes good enough is just that...good enough.

2) self doubt. i am a good mother. i am not perfect (see #1 above) but i am still good at raising my kids. the days when i lose it, when i want to run away and hide, the moments when my kids are on my last nerve and i say something i should not, when we have hot dogs for dinner three nights in a row, all of those moments do not diminish my success as a mother. this thing called motherhood is tricky and i'm doing the best that i can. it may not be today, but someday, my kids will see and understand that. i will trust that i am good at being a mom.

3) a negative body image. i have had five kids, for crying out loud. for some reason, when i look in them mirror, i expect to see my 20-something-self, never-had-a-baby-body staring back at me. i'm going to give my 30 something self a break. the fact that i can fit into any pants at all after having five kids is nothing short of miraculous. that doesn't mean that i don't want to be healthy or that i'm willing to just blow up like a tick as i get older. it just means that if i have wrinkles, if my skin sags in places it shouldn't, if gravity has done some damage that can't be repaired, i'm going to move on. it's not worth feeling bad about myself all the time. i'm going to be okay with what i look like.

4) comparing myself to others. somewhere along the line, we all do it. we compare our mothering, our kids, our lives with other people. it is exhausting and we will always find someone who is doing something better than we are. what is it in our make up that somehow makes us feel better by showing how successful we are next to someone else' failures? what makes us feel so horrible when we line up our own shortcomings next to someone else' success? why can't we just stop and learn to be comfortable in who we are, both good and bad? comparisons make me crazy. i'm choosing to be sane.

5) discontentment. life is messy. things get hard. there is always something more to do, pennies that need to be pinched, kids that need to be disciplined, relationships that don't get the priority they deserve. life is not perfect (again, see #1). i'm going to determine to make the best of it anyway. when things are really horrible, i'm sure i can imagine something worse. when the end of the year comes, i know i'll look back and remember the good. so, why not find contentment in the midst of the mess? i'm not saying this is going to be easy for me, i'm just saying i'm going to try my best. i don't want to miss a chance for happiness in the everyday. i'm going to strive for contentment.

6) ungratefulness. i sometimes wonder if my own children's lack of gratitude comes somewhere from the example i've set for them. i am so quick to complain when things aren't perfect, when there's a traffic jam, when the grocery store doesn't have an item i need, when my cell phone drops a call. it's no wonder my kids are quick to jump on that bandwagon. how did the universe come to owe us so much? i'm going to remember to look around in awe as i walk into a fully stocked grocery store. i'm going to look at my refrigerator and be thankful that today is another day that i won't go hungry. we are such a privileged people...sometimes too much so. we are quick to forget how good we have it. i'm going to choose to remember.

there you have it. the six areas where i'm declaring my own independence. what about you? perhaps i should take signatures like our own mommy declaration of independence. perhaps you'd like to add something to the manifesto. feel free.

birthday blessings...

today i turn another year older. chach has a december birthday as well. i am officially eleven days older but we have a remarkable thing in common. each december we get to celebrate not only another calendar year ending and a new one beginning, but another year of our own lives that has come and gone as well. after spending a day reflecting on the year that has come to an end, i feel the need to share a few things i'm thankful for. perhaps it can spur on a moment of thankfulness of your own.

i'm thankful for health. this last year, one of my good girlfriends passed away from cancer. another friend lost his life in a tragic car accident. other amazing girlfriends are battling hard against cancer. friends have faced sick children beyond what i can even comprehend. the young parents of my friends have passed away from various illnesses. i will never take the health of my family for granted. each day that i wake up and find that my biggest health complaint is another child with an ear infection is a day worthy of rejoicing. sometimes i have to stop myself from thinking that my life is difficult because i have two kids with colds at once. may i always have eyes to see things from a proper perspective and remember to be thankful for the huge blessing of a healthy family.

i'm thankful for this new baby and the kids and husband i already have. sure, i joke about my "never-had-a-baby-body." i have shared frustrations with people who have said things perhaps they shouldn't about this fifth pregnancy. there are days when my own children push me to limits i didn't think i could handle. here's, however, what i thought about today. my friends who have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage have been the biggest supporters of my fifth baby. one friend who had a complete hysterectomy in her 20's wonders what it would be like to lose her "never-had-a-baby-body." having a handful of children to care for at home is a dream for some women who would give anything to be mother at all. no matter what sacrifices are made, what difficulties are faced, or how much work is involved, these kids are my greatest blessings. having an amazing husband to share this experience with is an fantastic bonus.

i'm thankful for an amazing place to live. i love my house. i love my neighborhood and my current hometown. this, however is not what i'm referring to when i say i live in an amazing place. i lived overseas for over five years. my first three children were born while living in a foreign country. i know what it is like to live in the murder capital of the world. i know what it is like to look behind my back as i walk with my children in the evenings to make sure we're not being followed. i've fought in the grocery store over a bag of sugar and a carton of milk. i've been medically evacuated out of a country due to poor medical care. we've ridden in armored cars and traveled from one town to another only with large assault weapons accompanying us. i've been on email lists that tell me when a butcher has meat to sell, which grocery stores have been stocked with basic food products, and when the u.s. embassy will be able to provide food that we can't purchase elsewhere. i've lived in places where freedoms we daily take for granted are beyond what is currently possible. we live in an amazing place and we're amazingly spoiled. we find so much to complain about, from leadership to politics to economics, to a grocery store being out of a specialty item we are looking for. we need to learn to be thankful. the line to get into this country is still long. we are blessed enough to call it home. that's something to be grateful for.

i'm thankful for the freedom to be me. i get to blog whatever i want and, not only am i allowed to, but there is a select group of people who actually want to hear what i have to say. i am grateful. i get to go to church and worship without persecution. martyrs are being made the world over and yet i am able to attend services completely unharmed. i am thankful. i have girlfriends who are selfless and kind and who encourage me on a daily basis. i don't have to be someone that i am not when i am around them. they love me for me and i love each and every one of them. they are some of my greatest blessings.

along with the big things, i'm pretty content in the small things of the day too. i'm thankful that i was able to shower, wash and dry my hair, and shave both legs, all on the same day. i'm thankful for a starbucks chai tea latte, something that brightens any day. i'm thankful for love and hugs and kisses from my family. i'm thankful for facebook and a litany of happy birthday wishes from people who span my entire lifetime. i'm thankful for the haagen dazs ice cream bar that is waiting for me in the freezer once i finish writing. most of all, i'm thankful that today begins another year of this amazing life i have been given. while my journey may be different than i ever imagined it would be, i am blessed beyond belief...and indescribably grateful.