eleven years

today is the first day of preschool for my two year old. yes, you read that right, my two year old is heading to school twice a week. if sending your little one off to school is not your thing, that is fine. i get it. but i'm still sending mine off. no judgement.

this day also marks the first time in eleven years that i will have a morning to myself. e - l - e - v - e - n years. eleven years of chasing toddlers, changing diapers, dragging unhappy kids through target, planning playdates, avoiding kid-unfriendly environments. eleven years of planning my days around nap times and hungry times. eleven years of carrying a diaper and wipes with me everywhere i go. eleven years. 

when i decided to be a stay-at-home mom with my first born, i really didn't know what i was signing up for. i never dreamed we would have five kids. sometimes it's a good thing that we can't see the future. eleven years is a big pill to swallow when you take it all at once. thankfully i only had to handle one day at a time and i made it. i made it through eleven years. 

now for the first time in my mommy life, i will have two mornings to myself. i have had so many people make comments to me regarding this time that i feel like some blanket responses may be in order. these may sound hostile or snippy but that is not my intent. it is merely the truth for me. take it or leave it.

what those mornings are not:

• they are not a long amount of time. by the time i allow for drop off and pick up, we are talking about three hours twice a week. i totally appreciate the break and how nice those six hours will be but, come on, its not like i've just been handed a lifetime trip to the bahamas. it's six hours, people. let's keep it in perspective. i'm hoping to get to use the bathroom without someone asking me if i need help wiping. 
• they are not a reason to look for an added job. no, i'm not going to go find another workplace. no, i will not be itching to re-enter the 9-5 corporate workforce. i work plenty. besides the mommy gig, i already have enough jobs. maybe, just maybe i'll be able to write a blog post without someone pulling on my leg or climbing on my lap while striking random keys on the computer. i think i work plenty. these six hours can count for the 11 years of lunch breaks that i never took.
• they are not anything that requires a report...to anyone. i have had so many people ask me what i am going to do with all my free time. all six hours of it? i have no idea. seriously, i've waited eleven years to have some time to myself. I don't know what i'm going to do for those hours. maybe i'll read a book. maybe i'll take a shower. frankly, i may sit in my pajamas and stare at the wall in silence. i may go back to sleep. i may watch reality tv. i may go exercise. i may go to the grocery store alone. who knows? i've waited eleven years to get to pick my own activities based on what i want to do, on my own schedule, on my own time, for six hours a week. the fact is that i really don't owe anyone an explanation of how i spend that precious time. i think i may have earned the right to decide without question.
• they are not something i will feel guilty about. i have worked my butt off for eleven years. i will still be working my butt off for another 16 years...at least. the fact that i will have six hours a week to myself does not mean that i will be working any less than i was before. it does mean, however, that for the first time in over a decade, i will get a little break. i will get to remember what it is like to think about myself on occasion. i will get to remember what things i love to do, and actually get a chance to do them. i will have a chance to rediscover what makes me happy, and what makes me thrive. don't get me wrong. i adore my kids, but so much of my life involves serving other people that i often take a back seat. it is a privilege to be the mom of five great kids but i am not going to feel guilty about having a few brief hours each week to take care of me. it is, quite frankly, about time.
• they are not a chance for me to do what you want me to do. i have had people tell me, "well, once school starts you can volunteer in the classroom." or "once school starts you'll have plenty of time to get to that email response i've been waiting for." no. just...no. i have not been waiting for eleven years to spend my time doing something extra for someone else. i have not been waiting eleven years to fill up those few hours with more activities to serve others. until i get adjusted to my new normal and have plenty of time to enjoy some quality "me" time, my answer is just going to be "no." without guilt, absolutely not.
• they are not a time to work feverishly on chores. don't get me wrong. i will get things done. it may just have to wait, however, for a few weeks to pass by before i sacrifice some of my time to clean house. let's face it...house cleaning can be done while the kids are home. showering alone and shaving both legs on the same day...not so much. i plan on relishing every moment without children home to do everything i have not been able to do for eleven years. once i'm tired of partying alone, i may decide to clean a bathroom. we shall see. i wouldn't expect that to happen for a while. 

what those mornings are:

• mine. that's it. they are mine. there are very few things in my life that belong solely to me. my home is shared with six other wonderful people. my time is stretched to the breaking point to try to meet the needs of five kids and a husband. our money is spent meeting the needs of others. my bed is shared with my husband and (let's be real) with kids who sneak in to cuddle or watch tv. my life is full of people and i wouldn't have it any other way. i love my kids and my husband. i love my life. still, it has not been without sacrifice. love involves sacrifice. it doesn't work without it. still, when it comes down to it, i could use a break. i thrive during alone time. i get recharged. i love having a moment when, instead of thinking of the needs of others, i get to ask myself, "what would you like to do?" as mothers, how often does that really happen? it's a rare thing indeed. so i am going to relish my six hours a week. i'm going to squander that time and enjoy every spare moment of it. i'm going to enjoy spending moments with just me. maybe i'm selfish. maybe i'm wise. regardless, the choices for those six hours are mine. i'm going to enjoy some solitude...and i'm going to be a better friend, wife and mommy for it. 

instant responses for mothers of many

when i got married, my brother gave my husband a cassette tape with taped responses to questions i might ask my husband during our marriage. (yes, i just said cassette tape. for those of you younger than 30, google it.) during the speech my brother gave at our wedding, he explained how the cassette was to be used. as my husband and i were lying on the beach and a beautiful woman walked past, all my husband would have to do is push play and it would say, "no hunny, she is not prettier than you."

this tape was filled will several fantastic tidbits. "you're butt does not look big in those pants." "whatever you want to do, dear." you get the picture.

i've decided i need a similar recorded device to respond to all the comments i get from people when they find out i have five kids. once strangers wipe the look of horror or shock off of their faces and finish counting and recounting my children, the comments and questions are usually one of ten. my responses are usually some variation of the ones here, usually with some version of a smile on my face once i wipe the shock or horror from my own face at people's lack of filters. here is what my recording would say if i had one. it might just work for mothers of big families everywhere.

• "no, i don't want to have my own reality t.v. show." seriously, people?

• "yes, they are all mine." do we normally take other people's children to the grocery store?

• "no, i do not homeschool" i'm not sure where big families became synonymous with homeschooling but, nope....happily send those babies on the bus each morning and pick them up each afternoon.

• "yes, i am busy." duh.

• "yes, i do believe in birth control. it is totally appropriate to ask that question too, especially in front of my children. i'm so glad you asked."

• "yes, i have a t.v. in my bedroom." when you have five kids your sex life is open for discussion in the line at target....just in case you were wondering.

• "yes, i know how it happens." ...and open for discussion at the movies, the dentist, the drug store...

• "yes, they were all planned." this is just the discussion you want to have in front of your five children. kids: "mommy, what did that man mean, 'were we all planned?'" me: "who wants candy?"

• "i don't know how i do it either. i'm pretty sure i've blocked whole chunks for time from my memory." people do amazing things every day. surely parenting five kids can't top the list.

• "i would have to say, better me than anyone who doesn't want kids. it's actually a pretty great life and i'm amazingly happy. don't knock it 'til you've tried it." what other answer is there?

cheers to all you moms of big families everywhere...for pasting a smile on your face and answering all the inappropriate questions and comments and then some. 

have kids, will travel

on friday the entire "nellie" clan will be boarding a plane for the west coast. that's right people, if you have plans to travel on friday and you're living in charlotte, atlanta or san francisco, you might seriously want to consider changing your ticket. we are "that" family traveling. as if it's not enough showing up at the airport with five kids in tow, one is a two year old...a real two year old...with everything that implies. 

i can just see the expressions on everyone's faces now. they first look in shock and then in horror at the thought of sharing a combined space with all of the children for an extended period of time. people who have never believed in god before will suddenly find themselves whispering repeated prayers that we be seated as far from them as possible. we are the communicable disease of the travel world. 

i get it. i've traveled before. i've even whispered those same prayers on those rare moments when i'm without my children. i can understand the sheer panic that the sight of so many children on a plane can ignite. i am with you.

i am seriously stressing in anticipation. i don't want to be "that" family. i have worked, planned, and strategized for weeks in preparation for this outing. i've purchased new books, charged every electronic device possible, prepared snacks, packed changes of clothes, books, crayons, everything i can possibly think of to make the journey across the country as pain free as possible. 

i know it's easy to look at the traveling families and annoyingly wish they hadn't bothered your travel bliss. you have to trust me on this one, no matter how much you may want to be elsewhere when you are seated next to my family, i will have that desire trumped by ten fold. the last thing i want to do as i'm beginning a family vacation is endure a full day in cramped quarters with my irritable children. i'm dreading the looks of exasperation, the sighs of discontentment and the comments of annoyance from my children and fellow passengers alike. it promises to be a very long day.

so, i am officially retracting my previous statement. don't change your tickets. lend a hand. if it's not the "nellie" clan you befriend, find another poor family in need. smile and, if nothing else, wish them luck. it certainly can't make your plane ride any worse...and it just might go a long way to make someone else's plane ride just a little bit better.