the worst memories

there are some days i will never forget for all the worst reasons. i will never forget where i stood in my classroom as a teacher on 9/11. i will never forget sitting on a soccer field as the ground started rolling during the california earthquake of 1989. my grandparents could recall in detail the news of the bombing of pearl harbor. certain moments are stamped indelibly in our minds.

for me, one more moment is forever etched in my mind. i was pregnant for the first time and my husband and i had embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. we had moved to cartagena, colombia for my husband's job and were living temporarily in the amazingly beautiful santa clara hotel. at about 3:30 in the morning of april 6th, we were woken by a phone call. i was closest to the phone and, in my sleepy stupor, did not even register that a phone call at that hour could possibly mean something horrible. as i tried to clear the sleepy fog from my brain, my father-in-law started speaking. his words were short and to the point. phil, my husband's younger brother, had been working an extra detail that night at his job as a sheriff's deputy. he was shot. he is dead. he was 25. i sat there trying to comprehend the words and then took in the weight of it all. the most distressing fact for me at that moment was that i had to pass the phone to my husband knowing the news before him and wishing with everything in me i could shield him from what he was about to hear. i looked over at him beside me, now awake in the bed and before i passed the phone to him, whispered the words, "i am so sorry." the memory of that moment still takes my breath away. 

this weekend marked eleven years since that night. eleven years of missing someone. eleven christmases. eleven birthdays. countless moments of wondering what he would be like today. i still find myself longing to pick up the telephone and call him up to chat and laugh. he was more than my brother-in-law, he was my friend and i miss him. i can't, however, even claim to know a bit of the loss my husband has suffered. so, each anniversary comes along and again, all i can ever really think to say is, "i am so sorry." it seems silly and inadequate and yet, nothing i say could ever fill the hole left by his death. 

a few years ago, we decided to work on filling up some of the holes surrounding the anniversary day with good things. we fill up the day with joy and happy moments for our family. my husband typically takes the day off of work and we fill it with activities. this weekend meant we filled it with a trip to the donut shop with the kids. a trip to build bird feeders at home depot. dinner with friends and neighbors. a movie night out. the day was filled with hugs and kisses, sunshine, conversation. we fill the day with life and family in honor of someone who is still a part of ours. somehow, bringing fun to a horrible day turns it around. i can imagine phil in all of the moments of our day, laughing with his niece and nephews, talking with his brother, enjoying it all. we had so many april 6th's in a row that were filled with so much sadness. there is something redeeming in filling years of april 6th's with something more. 

and so, we will continue to do so. we will continue to remember him and miss him while loving on our kids. we will play and laugh and hug and kiss more than we normally do. we will fill the day with life and remember him in all the greatest ways. we will remember to keep living. i think phil would love that.

leaving a legacy

when i came back from her funeral, my lilies had just started to bloom. they were extremely late bloomers this year. i like to think it was on purpose. 

we have been blogging for a little over two years now. in that time, we have shared our experiences as we have lost friends to cancer. each friend taught us something and left a permanent imprint on our lives. my first sweet friend was lost in august of 2011. if you haven't read about leslie, she was honored in "the dreaded phone call." she left behind her amazing husband and two grown kids and managed to live to see her first grand baby. our second friend was lost in january of 2012. her story inspired "the art of being remembered." megan left behind her husband and two small children. this month, we lost our third beautiful friend to cancer. words cannot express the sadness that has come with the loss of each person but we have gained so much from each of their lives. each one of them has left an impression on us that will never be forgotten and a legacy that they are passing on to those left behind.

when i think of my friend, lara, i cannot help but be grateful for the time i knew her. we moved into our neighborhood very near to the time when her cancer was diagnosed. our now rising 1st graders grew up together. i have watched her fight through her disease. through it all, she left a beautiful legacy, a heritage for those who knew her and for her sweet daughter. when i think of lara, these are the lovely things i will remember.

she left a legacy of family. she loved her family. in a society where spouses are quick to diminish one another in the company of others, she stood out. she publicly praised and honored her husband. she was so thankful for him, for his love, for his care, for his friendship. she built up her husband and he adored her. she modeled a loving marriage for her daughter. that is a gift her sweet girl will carry with her forever. lara took time to invest in and bond with her sister, her best friend. she took time to relish in the relationships with her parents. most of all, she loved her little girl. even on days when she was not feeling well, she invested in the life of her daughter. she was there, smiling as her girl stepped off the school bus. she loved on her, created memories with her, and exemplified what a mother can be. lara recognized that her time was limited but i don't believe that is why she cherished her daughter, her husband, her sister, and her parents. that's just who she was.

she left a legacy of friendship. lara was a true friend and she inspired others around her to become better friends to others. she could make you laugh even in the midst of a horrible day. when i stepped on a school bus to yell at some screaming children (yep, i'm *that* mom), she publicly had my back and cheered me on. when our kids were in preschool and my son insisted on staying behind to clean the sinks in the bathroom because that's what's expected at home (once again...i'm *that* mom too), she praised me to others. she had just enough snark to make things interesting and to keep people laughing. she inspired a neighborhood full of women to become "supporting sisters" and secretly leave her gifts once a week. over the course of two years, there were 35 neighbors and close to 10 women from the preschool who brought her gifts. it takes an amazing friend to inspire that kind of love from others. 

she left a legacy of fortitude. i think this is true of almost anyone fighting cancer. they are the bravest, strongest, most resilient people i have ever known. she outlived and outfought the doctor's time frames. she went through countless medications and countless treatments with such grace and such courage. she fought for time, time with her husband, time with her daughter, time with her family and friends. i am so thankful for her strength. because she fought, we were all given more time with her, more memories. because of her strength and many answered prayers, her daughter has years of memories to take with her. 

she left a legacy of faith. even when things were hard, lara went to church and she brought her daughter. her little girl knew about heaven and when her mommy went there, she understood some about that amazing place. lara knew how important faith would be in her little girl's life and she planted those seeds in her daughter that will grow as years go by. what a gift that is.

when all the dust settles and all the emotions align themselves in my mind, one thing keeps resurfacing...gratitude. i am so grateful. i am grateful to have known lara and leslie. heather is grateful to have known megan. we are grateful for the time we had with each of them. we are grateful that they each left such amazing legacies for their children. their kids have a heritage of faith, of love, of strength and of laughter. we are grateful for what their lives and their deaths have taught us. we are grateful that all of their pain is over. we are inspired to leave a lasting legacy of our own. we are grateful.

the power of your words

some things have happened in the last couple of days that have reminded me of how powerful our words are. there is a proverb in the bible that says that the tongue has the power of life and death. i don't care what your beliefs are or what your religious background is, you can't deny that these words are true. the words that come out of our mouths have power. they can build someone up or destroy them. the old verse about sticks and stones breaking our bones but words never hurting us, well, that's just plain wrong.

how many things do you remember from your past? how often were those centered around what someone said? can you remember specific things that were spoken to you or over you? are you still trying to prove someone's words wrong through your actions each day? did someone's words crush hopes of yours or inspire new dreams? it is all possible and we don't give the words we say enough credit.

what have we spoken over people today? what have we said to our kids? what are we saying to our spouses? are we speaking life or death into the lives of those we love and care about? i know that the day is young but i've already made some mistakes and missed some opportunities. what about you? what a difference we could make if we all took this more seriously.