10 rules for surviving divorce with young children

1. like nemo...... just keep swimming. some days it might feel as if you are swimming through honey. whatever you do, just keep moving. you will get through this. what is coming next might be crappy or maybe (hopefully) amazing but whatever you do..... just. keep. swimming. dog-paddle, if you must. just don't stop. if you stop, you might drown.


2. figure out who you can talk to...and who you can't. most people in your life will come from a place of love when offering advice. however, even the best intentioned may only help to increase your anger when expressing their own emotions of hurt and anger towards your ex. i don't know about you, but anger was not an emotion i needed more of. depend and rely more on the friends that will listen and offer support and love....and not express as passionately the anger and hurt you may be trying (oh, so hard) to keep at bay.


3. there will be causalities of war. you will lose some mutual friends and family. it will hurt. this, sadly, is inevitable. relationships change, people take sides loudly or in a quiet way by silently slipping away. but at some point, it happens. if you are a person who cares deeply about people (like i do) it is a painful heartache to see relationships change and even disappear. 


4. get a paid best friend (aka a therapist). a paid best friend is someone you can talk to about everything you are feeling and can listen with an unbiased ear and offer advice and support. it will be the best money you ever spent. it doesn't mean that you are weak or something is wrong with you. you are strong and brave....and (bonus): having someone to vent to will keep you from being one of those people that write crazy facebook status updates sharing more than they should.


5. put on your big girl panties and do whatever is best for the kids. it will sometimes go against everything in your nature, just do it. it is not their fault this is all happening. they will be affected by your divorce no matter what. so, try to keep them out of it as much as you can.  take the high road. protect the kids at whatever cost. put a smile on your face, make them feel safe and protected and loved. do not put them in the middle. protect their image of their father or mother. it doesn't matter what happened and how much you hate your ex---he/she is their parent. don't be the one to shatter the illusion they have of their parent's perceived perfection. life moves too fast. the years are flying by and they are growing so quickly. they will, sadly, know the reality at some point in their life. let it not be from you.


6. learn to love yourself again. depending on your situation, divorce can leave you feeling like you don't even know the person you have become. somehow, throughout my marriage i lost myself. it wasn't sudden. it was in small, tiny ways that chopped away at who i was. once the marriage ended, i realized all of those tiny chips equaled some pretty major erosion to who i thought i was. take the time to find out who you are as an individual, not as the couple. it's taken time, but i really, really like the strong, authentic, loving woman i have become. i love her. find the silver lining...


7. be kind. force yourself to find kindness even where you think there is none. at all kids events...school performances, weddings, graduations....you realize quickly that your ex really is a part of your life forever. you know the for better or for worse part of your vows? the ones that you thought you needed for the marriage? turns out they come in pretty handy for the divorce part too. when all else fails? follow the golden rule and treat people how you want to be treated....even if you are not treated the same in return.

8. embrace schizophrenia - this may sound weird....but, listen up. it helps to think of your spouse as two separate people--- one is the person you married and made a life commitment to..... and the other person is the father/mother of your children. compartmentalizing like this makes it easier to have conversations. find a way to separate 1.  the two of you and the marriage that didn't work out and all of that baggage from 2. the two of you as the co-parents to your children. protect that.

9. think before you speak. we all learned this when we were young and it still applies today. most of the words you wish you could take back will be those said in a moment of extreme emotion when you speak without thinking it through. stop. take a breath. process...think.... and then respond. 


10. really think before you start dating. this may not your time of life. people often ask me why i have chosen not to date, up to this point, even though it has been almost 3 years since my marriage ended. short answer? it is because i choose to put my kids first. i am not saying that you can't date....or that i won't, at some point, if the right person comes along....i am just saying you might want to give yourself time. divorce has a way of chewing you up and leaving you at your lowest. through that pain, you will learn so much about yourself. if you give yourself the time and the space to feel that pain and move through it without looking for someone else to heal it for you, i believe you will be better off for that.

diy: christmas book advent calendar

i have a serious addiction to advent calendars. christmas is my very favorite holiday and my birthday is christmas eve, so it is a happy season for me. more than that, christmas is a time where everyone is happy and focused on all the good things in life. people seem nicer in general and appreciative of life and loving the people in it. 

this year, i decided to take 24 kids christmas-related books and create an advent calendar to remember. any time i can use to create special memories with the two little men in my life, i will take it! with this advent calendar, i anticipate lots of cuddling on the couch with the littles reading the christmas classics daily. sounds heavenly to me! 

join me in starting this tradition for your family as well!

all you need is:

•24 christmas/winter kids books (i took some classics that i had as a child and also included some i found at target with my kiddos favorite childhood characters (think dora, big bird and even mater). 

•wrapping paper (i used brown, kraft paper)

•tape

•glue stick

•large circle hole punch (you can find one at your local craft store)

•vinyl number stickers (you can find them in the scrapbook section of your local craft store).


directions:

•simply, wrap each book up. 

•then, cut a circle (using the hold punch) of another color of paper. 

•using the glue stick, attach each circle to the wrapped package.

•once dry, attached numbered, vinyl stickers to each book from 1-24.

that is it! 


this would be a fun tradition this would be to start with your own children or grandchildren, don't you think?

enjoy!

a very married chistmas

nellie & my mr.

once upon a time, i was married without children. when i reminisce, i find those distant days in my past appear like a foggy mirage. during the holidays, my husband and i cuddled more, spent time together, searched for the perfect gifts to make each other happy. those days feel like a lifetime ago.

the christmas season is swirling around us. i am the first one to admit that christmas without children sounds like a christmas tree without lights. it may look fine, but something would always be missing. christmas with kids, however, has become so pumped up on steroids that it's hard to stay focused. moms these days have to create magic...not just on christmas day, but the whole month through. advent calendars, service projects, elves on shelves, and other christmas activities fill up the entire month of december and once the 26th rolls around, i usually can't wait to pack the whole business up for another 11 months.

when you add a husband to that mix, things can get ugly. there is so much pressure to purchase the right gifts, make everything beautiful, keep children engaged, be service minded, and entertain family that marriages can face some tough holiday waters. somehow the participation and collaboration of a spouse that used to be totally acceptable is just not good enough anymore. the pressure that mothers feel to get everything right becomes the squeeze that gets transferred to their husbands when they don't seem to understand or contribute like they should. i hear more of my friends who are angry with their husbands in december than in any other month of the year. i certainly do not believe that is coincidental.

this year we're doing something drastic. my husband and i are going on a cruise the week before christmas. that's right folks, these milky white, post-thanksgiving thighs are going to be seen poolside for an entire week. the cruisers won't know what hit them. i'm sure some people will think the timing is selfish...how could we not want to spend those days before christmas with our kids? believe me, i've heaped my own pile of mommy guilt on my own head thinking about it. that guilt has only lasted for only a minute before wisdom has kicked in and i realized that christmas is not just about our kids.

christmas should be about family...as a whole...husbands not excluded. i'm sure the kids would rather have happy parents than every other christmas trimming. so often i am so busy with the five kids that my husband and my marriage take a back seat. those days of taking time together and treating each other with even more love and affection during christmastime are long, long gone. don't you think it's time to bring them back?

i get it, a cruise is not in the plans for most couples this christmas...but something else still can be. take some time just to be together. put down the smart phones and the christmas lists and do something fun. here are some ideas:

• rent a movie and watch it by the fire together. make hot chocolate and popcorn. cuddle. (crazy, right?) 
• go out to dinner. can't afford much? go out to coffee. if you can't afford a babysitter, swap childcare with a friend. offer them a night out and watch their kids and then have them do the same. 
• play a board game together. 
• feed the kids sandwiches one night and order take out for the two of you. wait to eat it until they go to bed and sit and just talk for a while.

it doesn't have to be extravagant...just take time in this crazy time to spend time together. 

okay, so here's my last little tidbit before i sign off. to all you husbands out there who may be reading "the third boob..." 

• first of all, you rock. any man that goes to a site with the word "boob" in the title just for reading purposes is a good, good man.
• secondly, if your wife is crazy during december, there is a good reason. do something to make her happy this month. does she like coffee? go get her one. are flowers her thing? pick her up a bunch. 
• third, if possible, do something extra each day. your wife is working double time this month to make the magic happen. if you don't normally clean the bathrooms, pick up a toilet scrubber. is the dishwasher full? empty that sucker. christmas cards need addressing? offer to address a few. doing something so your spouse doesn't have to means that she is free to spend time with you. when things get done around the house, wives are usually happier people. that saying..."a happy wife means a happy life" is so, so true. my husband steam cleaned the carpets on the stairs the other night. i have never loved him more. 

i really, truly cannot wait to hear your responses to this one. got any other ideas of how to spend time with your spouse? i'm dying to hear them. extra tips for husbands during december? pass them on. christmas is my favorite time of the year, truly. at the end of the month, once all the celebration has ended, i want to come out of the experience merrily married. how about you?

filling up the bucket

a few days ago, my one and only girl was home sick from her first grade class. as i was trying to rush her and her brother to get dressed so we could head to the doctor, she kept asking for me to "hold on" for just a minute more. i could see she was coloring something and was busy getting the two little boys ready to head out the door so i gave her a couple of extra moments. as i was about to get after her again, she ran over, put a paper on the counter and then ran up to her room to get her clothes on. 

i was so busy getting everyone in the car that i didn't take the time to look at what she had drawn. after snapping everyone in, i ran back inside to grab some food for the baby and stopped on my way back outside. the paper i found was addressed to me. as i opened it, this is what i found inside.

my heart melted. i walked back outside, got her attention in the car and told her how much i loved her note. i told her how much i loved her and that the words she had written made my day. she looked at me and her face lit up. she then said something that i had to process for a minute. with a big smile on her face she said, "i'm filling up your bucket."

now, i'm the first to admit genius when i see or hear it and this was child rearing genius. apparently the school psychologist had been into her classroom. using the bucket analogy, she talked about how kind words fill up a person's heart bucket. in the same way, unkind words dump people's bucket out. the word picture resonated with my six year old and so she has been working to "fill up my bucket."

i've heard other people use the same concept saying that kind words and actions and quick obedience gives mommies energy while the opposite makes mommy energy run out. i've seen this work but i personally love the bucket. it is ageless, goes beyond childhood, fits every walk of life and every human interaction. from this moment on, every person my kids encounter will be seen as someone with a bucket that can be filled. my goal is to try to teach them ways to fill those buckets no matter who the person may be.

so, thank you, school psychologist, for your simple brilliance. i will take your idea, steal it and make it my own. and today, i will read this card again and walk around with a very full bucket.

have kids, will travel

on friday the entire "nellie" clan will be boarding a plane for the west coast. that's right people, if you have plans to travel on friday and you're living in charlotte, atlanta or san francisco, you might seriously want to consider changing your ticket. we are "that" family traveling. as if it's not enough showing up at the airport with five kids in tow, one is a two year old...a real two year old...with everything that implies. 

i can just see the expressions on everyone's faces now. they first look in shock and then in horror at the thought of sharing a combined space with all of the children for an extended period of time. people who have never believed in god before will suddenly find themselves whispering repeated prayers that we be seated as far from them as possible. we are the communicable disease of the travel world. 

i get it. i've traveled before. i've even whispered those same prayers on those rare moments when i'm without my children. i can understand the sheer panic that the sight of so many children on a plane can ignite. i am with you.

i am seriously stressing in anticipation. i don't want to be "that" family. i have worked, planned, and strategized for weeks in preparation for this outing. i've purchased new books, charged every electronic device possible, prepared snacks, packed changes of clothes, books, crayons, everything i can possibly think of to make the journey across the country as pain free as possible. 

i know it's easy to look at the traveling families and annoyingly wish they hadn't bothered your travel bliss. you have to trust me on this one, no matter how much you may want to be elsewhere when you are seated next to my family, i will have that desire trumped by ten fold. the last thing i want to do as i'm beginning a family vacation is endure a full day in cramped quarters with my irritable children. i'm dreading the looks of exasperation, the sighs of discontentment and the comments of annoyance from my children and fellow passengers alike. it promises to be a very long day.

so, i am officially retracting my previous statement. don't change your tickets. lend a hand. if it's not the "nellie" clan you befriend, find another poor family in need. smile and, if nothing else, wish them luck. it certainly can't make your plane ride any worse...and it just might go a long way to make someone else's plane ride just a little bit better.